172

It's time to shed

That pillbox red

White white white 

Why'd shed auto correct to she'd?

A past tense of herself

She was already leaving her dead skin

feeling the wind and the sun and the stars and the night

For the first time

Thinking a season is only beautiful because it will not last

She'd shed like leaves on a tree

Burnt ones in July

Made to look like autumn 

Time for Springs beginnings

But only after 

A winters sleep. 

171

you can't loose anything when you were nothing to begin with.
the goal is to keep subpar
but never be at zero.
because nothing + nothing = +
but there's nothing to us, if we only have us.

the word/sound "OH!" is so poignant right now.

170

I think I see you as you are as you think you are when you're alone.
I make you feel like not the only one in the room, but the lonely one in the room. I could make a joke or say something that's obvious like comment on the weather. Physical obvious observation obviously a deterrence to what I really want to ask and to what you really want to say. A smile passes It off. That silence of complete un-understanding more deafening than the tone of a woman screaming an orgasmic YES. And more uncomfortable than him not coming but doing all the work. A Conceptual Fuck. I'm used to tripping out in layers of complexity in total silence, layers like that strange flavor of chocolate cake I wanted only after you had described it, having wanted to eat it too. Licking my fingers before I even taste it. Feeling nauseous knowing I will succumb when the fork is to my mouth. And feeling better when we are on a road trip and when we come across a fork in the road, and you will ask me, "which way?" And I will open my mouth and say "left" but in my mind I will think 'did I really mean right?' But then having gone left and having stayed there for a while, and thinking of all the possibilities of right, it will have seemed as mundane as aftertaste, as a party missed, as the morning after, as pineapple or fruit punch. It's all just different combinations of dust and sugar and air.

169

I'm feeling nostalgic
For a summer in New York,
How could it be already a year since?
I'm feeling nostalgic and so I am here recreating what that first summer,
what last summer felt like,
Heat too hot to think,
An excitement of a new place,
A city burning underneath my fire escape
It looks grimey but there's no other place right now in the world id rather be than to be as lonely as the last cigarette
With cheap white wine and a book
Thinking of you...

168

What brought you to New York?
Television.
Oh, you saw it in a movie?
Yes, but that's not why.
Why then, you said television
Yes but because
The city is too transient for Television.
That's what brought me here.
That's what will keep me here.
not physically cause static is movement.
And when there's static on the television, we turn.
But that's what will always draw me here
The comfort of an unworking Television
The constant static
Reminding me to move
But always feeling like this is home
Like when i've drifted off to sleep to the sound of a static snowstorm
Waking up and going properly to bed
Only until morning, when the news the news it starts again.

167

Dread, White & Blue

A subway terminal is where everyone sort of drones. Listen to the sounds in a subway terminal as different as they are it's all just DRONE their faces DRONE the paces DRONE the train the rain the yellow the window panes everything DRONE DRONE DRONE
But maybe the drones can protect the plants from insects, so we don't have to spray.

166